Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Queen of Hearts
The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts,
All on a summer's day.
The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts,
And took them clean away.
The King of Hearts called for the tarts,
And beat the Knave full sore.
The Knave of Hearts brought back the tarts,
And vowed he's steal no more.
Why don't we beat people anymore?
Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top.
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
Down will come baby, cradle and all.
Now that we understand what will happen can we maybe not put a baby in a tree?
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.
Just a tragic story. I can't say it enough. If you're not careful on hills you will fall and fracture your skull.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses and all the King's men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
A big fat guy fell to his death and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it.
There Was an Old Woman
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.
There are so many things wrong with this. You live in a shoe, fine. But what's the story with all the kids? I understand you can't afford to feed them all, but that doesn't mean they deserve to be whipped...with a whip.
Goosey Goosey Gander
Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs and in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man who would not say his prayers,
I took him by the left leg and threw him down the stairs.
This was the last one in the book, so I guess we can all agree that the best was saved for last. What's going on here? Who is this guy who talks to geese? All I know is you better say your prayers or your ass is getting thrown down the stairs.
I will now take a crack at combining all of these into the most horrific nursery rhyme ever written.
Jack and Jill climbed up a cliff
To hang a baby cradle.
A guy came along and grabbed them by the legs,
And threw them off the edge.
All the horses in the area
Couldn't save their lives.
Everyone was beaten and whipped,
And sent to bed with no supper.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
As for you, g'head...start the fire.
Unable to carry out our travel plans on this Christmas Eve, we decided to continue to try to persuade Maura to play in the snow. We didn't get too crazy, but as you can see we've got the beginnings of a pretty sweet igloo/fort/castle goin' on.
I also noticed that one of the tires on the man-van was a bit low, so I promptly drove it over to the friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart to get it sorted out. After killing a little time it occurred to me how prone to suggestion I can be. I walk in, tell the gal my tire's low, at which time she asks if I want the oil changed. Sure. I go to the waiting area, see some coffee...don't mind if I do. There's a tv with a dvd player repeating the menu sequence for Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. Might as well start it up. I call Jodi, who reminds me that there is a Subway at the front of the store, and guess what I instantly want for lunch.
That all happened on Christmas Eve, and now I'm back to write more and report on all the snow we didn't get. I don't want to get too critical of the people giving the forecast, because picking on the weatherman is pretty much a slam dunk every time. I will say though that his 8-11 inches was off by about 8-11 inches.
At least we can say with certainty that he didn't mislead anyone into traveling in unsafe conditions. We had a safe Christmas with family, shared stories and gifts, and played Wii until our arms were sore. Hopefully you were able to do the same, managing to not shoot your eye out.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
12 lanes to bowl on
11 live grenades
10 oompa loompas
9 HAL 9000s
8 trucks of liquor
7 speeder bikes
6 skydiving simulators
5 golden Deloreans
2 Flowbee systems
...And a partridge farm and hatchery.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Instead, I will emphasize the positive by speaking to the four basics of firearm safety. There are many variations, but these are the ones I know. "There are many like it, but this one is mine."
Treat every firearm as though it were loaded.
Always keep the muzzle pointed in a safe direction.
Be sure of your target and what is beyond it.
Keep your booger hook off the bang switch until you intend to fire.
Now wasn't that just as fun as shooting a big, fat, juicy live deer?
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Kenny Loggins: "Why don't you just create a Facebook account then?"
Don't worry about it.
Here are a couple Halloween leftovers that I'm gonna force to the top here...
This is a motion-activated heart that has somehow found it's way out of someone's body and is now being chewed by rats...available at Walgreens.
After trick or treating, we met with some friends at the Eau Claire Children's Museum to see what that was all about. I was surprised to see how cool it was, in large part due to the giant digestive system playground.
There goes Maura down the esophogus. Every so often the crawling would trigger some kind of slurpy, squilchy digestive sound to further supplement the experience.
It was really a rather groovy atmosphere once inside.
Then it's off to Lambeau Field to watch the Packers get manhandled by the Vikings. Obviously there was a lot of hype leading up to this game, as everyone wondered how Brent's homecoming would go. I'd have to say it was a little anticlimactic, with the cacophony of booing lasting only 15 seconds or so. I figured the place would erupt into such disturbance that the game would have to be delayed, but as it turns out, people are pretty much over it. I had also heard a lot about how the Packers defense would be giving Brett a lesson from the school of hard knocks. I would have been happy with any knocks. Maybe just start with a little bit of pressure and then work your way up to a sack or an interception.
Meet Helmethead. He was sitting a few rows down carrying on and soaking through his unlit cigar, so I figured I'd seize the opportunity to get a picture with a Lambeau legend. Unfortunately his painted skull didn't bring us any luck this time, but this is no Halloween costume my friends. He'll be ready to rock next week with a fresh coat.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Obviously I'm going to need a little time to reconnect with my inner smart-alec, but in the meantime just put on your Snuggie, fix yourself a glass of wine, and microwave some tater tots. You just do whatever it is you've got to do to prepare for the latest installment of The Oak Lair.
A lot has happened over the last month, but I really only intend to talk about the movie premier that shocked the nation...and Lost Nation. The highly anticipated remake of Children of the Corn introduced my hometown to the world on September 26th, and left me feeling that it wasn't as much a horror movie as it was just a horror of a movie. That's exactly what I expected though, and I can't wait to watch it again.
Fast forward to this weekend, and this is where the smattering of autumnal activities happens. Saturday the almost god-like Iowa Hawkeyes tore into Madison, sat the Badgers down, took attendance and proceeded to hand out a hard lesson about Hawkeye football. "You will learn by the numbers!" they instructed.
Today was lovely as well, as we...
Friday, September 4, 2009
Basket Lake in Ontario. We arrived at camp last Saturday afternoon and immediately began pulling tender, unsuspecting walleye from the depths.
The orienteering was a big part of the fun for me. It's satisfying to acquaint yourself with unfamiliar territory by considering things like gps coordinates, heading, time, wind direction, water depth, temperature, shoreline features, etc. It's probably the same satisfaction people got from naming constellations...the organization of something that seemed random. There were places like Gull Rock, Three Sisters (or Destiny's Child), Fran's Island, Ray's Bay that people had already named for reference. Catching the fish really just seemed to confirm that we knew how to use the information, because we'd just reel 'em up really fast, unhook 'em and whip 'em back into the water. It's like, "Yeah, I found you and tricked you. I just wanted you to know that."
road signs, although we did see a sweet sign that said something like, "Use of seat belts is compulsory". Wacky Frenchies.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I don't know, it's the dog's jersey. Has anyone asked him if he likes it?
So he basically goes on to say that as long as people are entertained and the business of football is still making money, everyone's willing to grant second chances. Personally, if I had to go to prison I'd probably ask everyone to keep their judgement to themselves, because as it turns out, a judge actually passed all the judgement needed.
I'm spread way too thin the way it is, so instead of getting wrapped around the axle with Vick, Favre, Plax or whoever, I'm going to try to just be the best fantasy coach I can be.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Never in history has there ever been a larger group of people assembled for the sake of music, love and grubbiness than there was in Bethel, NY in August of 1969. Little did these gathering crowds realize, there was to be a great plentitude of all of the above.
Woodstock was one of those moments in history that continues to be heavily romanticized, as if the paragon of human existence was achieved through soggy sleeping bags and copious amounts of drug use. To be part of a herd of 400,000 people just roaming the hillside doing as you please sounds kind of awesome to me at first, but when I imagine being at the center of that mass of shiftless hippies and then realizing I forgot to turn my oven off or something...holy moly. The scenario I choose to fantasize about is one where I bring truckloads of those chemlight necklaces back in time and reveal them at dusk, right when everyone is totally rolling on acid. The Who would play second fiddle as everyone's gaze is fixed upon my mystical wares. From then on whenever someone would mention Woodstock the next thing said would be, "Oh you mean when that guy had those glowing necklaces?"
Even without the necklaces it would've been pretty awesome to take in some of those groovy tunes, even if some of the lyrics were unintelligible.
"We're gonna need another sludge pot heated up over here!"
"Hey, does anyone have any earplugs!?"
"...Because I'm a voodoo chile....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."
Monday, July 27, 2009
Also, it's worth mentioning that we forgot to put out our recycling last week, so I really only drink half this much, so don't judge me. By the way, did you see how much milk we drink? Strength to the bones, punishment to the liver...that's what I always say. Always.