Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hell's Nursery

Maura of course has an extensive library of books geared for the young reader. Among these is a book which she received this Christmas that is a collection of classic nursery rhymes. Harmless as they are, there are a few that contain some shockingly violent themes. So hop up on papa's lap and I'll share a few of the more entertaining ones with you, and by doing so, this post could maybe be used in the future as some kind of manual for why Maura's life took such a drastic downturn.

The Queen of Hearts

The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts,
All on a summer's day.
The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts,
And took them clean away.
The King of Hearts called for the tarts,
And beat the Knave full sore.
The Knave of Hearts brought back the tarts,
And vowed he's steal no more.

Why don't we beat people anymore?

Rock-a-bye Baby

Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top.
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
Down will come baby, cradle and all.

Now that we understand what will happen can we maybe not put a baby in a tree?

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.

Just a tragic story. I can't say it enough. If you're not careful on hills you will fall and fracture your skull.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses and all the King's men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

A big fat guy fell to his death and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it.

There Was an Old Woman

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

There are so many things wrong with this. You live in a shoe, fine. But what's the story with all the kids? I understand you can't afford to feed them all, but that doesn't mean they deserve to be whipped...with a whip.

Goosey Goosey Gander

Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs and in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man who would not say his prayers,
I took him by the left leg and threw him down the stairs.

This was the last one in the book, so I guess we can all agree that the best was saved for last. What's going on here? Who is this guy who talks to geese? All I know is you better say your prayers or your ass is getting thrown down the stairs.

I will now take a crack at combining all of these into the most horrific nursery rhyme ever written.

Jack and Jill climbed up a cliff
To hang a baby cradle.
A guy came along and grabbed them by the legs,
And threw them off the edge.
All the horses in the area
Couldn't save their lives.
Everyone was beaten and whipped,
And sent to bed with no supper.


brando said...

Nice fisking, Cullen. Nice fisking indeed. I liked your story about the whipping. Soundly no less. I wanna play too.

Li'l Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her furd-curds and whey;
Along came a monstrous spider,
Who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away

OK. Do spiders sit? And is it so noteworthy that she was frightened away, when most representations of said spider are roughly the same size as Miss Mullet. I'd run too. Just Awful.

zecaffeinatedknitter said...

There once was a man named Cullen
Who over some rhymes was mullin'
Yet none of the stories
Was too scary or gory
To stop him his daughter from tellin'

I'm out of practice. :)