Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hell's Nursery

Maura of course has an extensive library of books geared for the young reader. Among these is a book which she received this Christmas that is a collection of classic nursery rhymes. Harmless as they are, there are a few that contain some shockingly violent themes. So hop up on papa's lap and I'll share a few of the more entertaining ones with you, and by doing so, this post could maybe be used in the future as some kind of manual for why Maura's life took such a drastic downturn.

The Queen of Hearts

The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts,
All on a summer's day.
The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts,
And took them clean away.
The King of Hearts called for the tarts,
And beat the Knave full sore.
The Knave of Hearts brought back the tarts,
And vowed he's steal no more.

Why don't we beat people anymore?

Rock-a-bye Baby

Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top.
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
Down will come baby, cradle and all.

Now that we understand what will happen can we maybe not put a baby in a tree?

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.

Just a tragic story. I can't say it enough. If you're not careful on hills you will fall and fracture your skull.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses and all the King's men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

A big fat guy fell to his death and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it.

There Was an Old Woman

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

There are so many things wrong with this. You live in a shoe, fine. But what's the story with all the kids? I understand you can't afford to feed them all, but that doesn't mean they deserve to be whipped...with a whip.

Goosey Goosey Gander

Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs and in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man who would not say his prayers,
I took him by the left leg and threw him down the stairs.

This was the last one in the book, so I guess we can all agree that the best was saved for last. What's going on here? Who is this guy who talks to geese? All I know is you better say your prayers or your ass is getting thrown down the stairs.

I will now take a crack at combining all of these into the most horrific nursery rhyme ever written.

Jack and Jill climbed up a cliff
To hang a baby cradle.
A guy came along and grabbed them by the legs,
And threw them off the edge.
All the horses in the area
Couldn't save their lives.
Everyone was beaten and whipped,
And sent to bed with no supper.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Great Christmas Blizzard of '09

I guess we're in for it. Feed the dog team and pack the sled, because it sounds like that's the only way we're gonna make it to Grandmother's house this Christmas. Yukon Cornelius is already lickin' away at his pickaxe, just amped up to start swinging it wildly.


As for you, g'head...start the fire.

Unable to carry out our travel plans on this Christmas Eve, we decided to continue to try to persuade Maura to play in the snow. We didn't get too crazy, but as you can see we've got the beginnings of a pretty sweet igloo/fort/castle goin' on.

I also noticed that one of the tires on the man-van was a bit low, so I promptly drove it over to the friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart to get it sorted out. After killing a little time it occurred to me how prone to suggestion I can be. I walk in, tell the gal my tire's low, at which time she asks if I want the oil changed. Sure. I go to the waiting area, see some coffee...don't mind if I do. There's a tv with a dvd player repeating the menu sequence for Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. Might as well start it up. I call Jodi, who reminds me that there is a Subway at the front of the store, and guess what I instantly want for lunch.

December 26th

That all happened on Christmas Eve, and now I'm back to write more and report on all the snow we didn't get. I don't want to get too critical of the people giving the forecast, because picking on the weatherman is pretty much a slam dunk every time. I will say though that his 8-11 inches was off by about 8-11 inches.

At least we can say with certainty that he didn't mislead anyone into traveling in unsafe conditions. We had a safe Christmas with family, shared stories and gifts, and played Wii until our arms were sore. Hopefully you were able to do the same, managing to not shoot your eye out.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Christmas List

Among other things, Christmas is a time for list making. Last year I was compelled to do a countdown of my favorite tree ornaments, so this year I will lay out my wish list sung to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

12 lanes to bowl on

11 live grenades

10 oompa loompas

9 HAL 9000s

8 trucks of liquor

7 speeder bikes

6 skydiving simulators

5 golden Deloreans

4 trebuchets

3 Segways

2 Flowbee systems

...And a partridge farm and hatchery.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Chippewa in da Moonlight

The Wisconsin gun deer season has drawn to a close, and it has reportedly been a safe one. Just how safe I'm not sure, but my guess is that the safety is partly due to the fact that no one saw any deer, and consequently had no reason to discharge a firearm. This was the case for myself and so many other hunters this year. Buck pools drying up in all the taverns, jackalope sales going through the roof...it's a shame. I had intended for this post to feature a picture of a beautiful deer, lifeless head held in my hands, tongue flopped out sideways, goofy grin on my giant potato-like face. I wanted it bad, but dere were no turdy pointers.

Instead, I will emphasize the positive by speaking to the four basics of firearm safety. There are many variations, but these are the ones I know. "There are many like it, but this one is mine."

"Guns don't kill kids, I kill kids."


Treat every firearm as though it were loaded.

Always keep the muzzle pointed in a safe direction.

Be sure of your target and what is beyond it.

Keep your booger hook off the bang switch until you intend to fire.

Now wasn't that just as fun as shooting a big, fat, juicy live deer?

Uh oh. Looks like someone forgot pretty much everything we just talked about.

There may be a couple more opportunities for me to spill blood, so stay tuned as I will try to deliver the goods during late bow season.