Of All the Trees Most Lovely

Thanksgiving 2008 is in the books, and another year's worth of blessings have been counted. We, like many others observe the day after Thanksgiving as the first day of the pre-Christmas work-up. It wasn't long until the boxes came out and the house underwent a transformation not unlike something one might see in Whoville. A childlike wonder is restored within me...as in, I wonder how we ended up with all this crap. To all grinches out there that don't particularly care for this time of year, I urge you to check your pulse echocardiogram. Your heart may be two sizes too small.



We used to make a point of picking out a new ornament each year, but that tradition, like many others has gone by the wayside. That doesn't mean that we don't have a copious amount of ornaments, because we do. So this year I've decided to give special attention to a select few and recognize my...

TOP 5 FAVORITE ORNAMENTS

#5

Tiny lil' Wright brothers airplane

A treasured Hallmark collectible, this tiny airplane will soar into your heart, letting your imagination take flight. I can't believe I haven't lost it yet...the ornament, not my poeticism.

#4

Ralph Wiggum eating paste

What a stinker. His cat's breath smells like cat food, his doctor urges him to keep his finger outta his nose...Who among you can't see a little of yourself in this fresh portrait of playfulness?




#3

Santa being pulled by a fish team

The decision to choose this as my yearly ornament all those years ago was just as easy as the decision to include this in my top five. A special place on the tree is always reserved for this incongruous gem.

#2

The Craftsman belt sander

As classic as the star at the top, this ornament may be too abrasive and gritty for some, but I was immediately able to recognize its rugged beauty. Be sure to observe all safety precautions when hanging.





#1

1977 Disney ball ornament

My all time favorite ornament. This is the one I always acknowledged as my ornament and was always the one I had to dig around for when mom was decorating the tree. I don't think this was the first one I'd received, but to me it's the holy grail of ornaments. The treasure that I uncover every year and identify as a key to a historic ritual. Just holding it conjures memories as though it were some type of mystical orb.



Enjoy the holiday!

Opening Day Success

Maura's first deer hunting experience proved to be fruitful, as her big buck dreams were realized. She waited patiently in the bitterly cold woods, and actually passed up on a couple other nice ones before harvesting this beautiful trophy animal.

After field dressing her kill, she still had about three miles of woods to drag the deer through.

"The fun part's over," she said. "I'll probably be up way past my bedtime cuttin' up this big boy."

Maura at Seven Months

Quality Local Meats

When it's time to shoot deer in Wisconsin, a feller really ought to know where to take his animal(s) for processing. Every morning while lying on the couch I'm reminded of a nifty little full service meat market that would be more than capable of handling all of my venison needs. The only problem is that I've been reminded so many times that my focus has now shifted to how the commercial itself has so much room for improvement.

So, of course I took it upon myself to tenderize and beautify this little piglet, with the intention of bringing the blue ribbon back to the Oak Lair. You be the judge.




The original...

The classic.

Smurf Alert!

It's been awhile since I've given the people a look at the baby, so allow me to drop the latest video featuring the one and only Chubbz Thunder. In this episode, she's channeling her inner jive turkey, just a twitchin' and a floppin'. Work it out, Maura.

Feral Amish Kids Bent on Mayhem

Imagine yourself traveling through the midwest, run down buildings and rusty farm equipment occasionally breaking up the monotony of mile after mile of corn lining the highway. Not so much creepy as it is depressing...until you add Amish kids.

YIKES!

Sounds like a great recipe for a short story. Someone should write that. Then someone should make a movie based on it. Then someone should make about five sequels. Then someone should do a remake based on the original short story...in my home town.

Wait a minute, I've just been told that all of my aforementioned suggestions are too late.

That's right, my home town of Lost Nation, Iowa was selected as a filming location for the upcoming Sci-Fi Channel exclusive "Children of the Corn". I don't think any of the town's 500 residents would have ever imagined that their downtown would one day be transformed into a desolate backdrop of ruin for an army of bloodthirsty, self-created orphans. In any event, I'm sure they didn't think it would happen so suddenly.

When Jodi and I rolled into town, what we saw couldn't have been too unlike what the main characters Burt and Vicki saw when they first arrived...a town that had fallen to neglect. As it turns out, grubby little maniac children aren't the best housekeepers. In fact, they pretty much get an F- for effort. It's not for lack of numbers though, as you couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting one. Someone just needs to give them the many hands lighten the load rundown.

So anyway, you get the idea. Old familiar things from my childhood (family grocery store, cyberninja's house) were transformed into horror movie sets much to the chagrin/amusement of the townspeople. Have a look for yourself as I present to you my first feature-length documentary that covers some of the high points of the filming.

Filler

I know you could easily just go to youtube or hulu yourself, but I'll just save you a step and put all the videos you'll ever need to watch right here on the Lair. I know it's weak, but everyone reads the Cliff Notes at some time or another. I'm sort of gearing up for the next post, so in the meantime, learn a little something about the young Chuck Norris. It's very informative, and you might even find a little humor in it.