Friday, August 29, 2008

Michael Jackson Turns 70

...or 50, one of the two.

It's too bad that the name Michael Jackson is now almost synonymous with creepy perv-man. I choose to remember when his sexual ambiguity was still finely tuned and not a bane to his character. When the moonwalk was silky and left us in a trance. Let's just take this moment to search our souls for anything that resembles the admiration that lil' Carlton expresses upon bumping into his doppleganger.

Have a great holiday weekend.

Monday, August 11, 2008

The Games of the XXIX Olympiad

The Olympics are again upon us, and as a staunch proponent of human achievement, I'm fully on board. I love the flippin' and jabbin' and everything that goes along with the wide variety of events that are on display. My only regret is that I don't make the effort to tune in at 3 a.m. when people are shooting stuff and getting judo chopped.

I haven't done a lot of research about the Olympic games, but I'm sure that at the conception of it they were primarily created as a chance for people to demonstrate some sort of survival/combat skill when there was no particular reason to kill anyone at the time. There are probably a few exceptions, but for the most part you're attacking someone or getting attacked. Fencing is my favorite example. It sort of forces the loser to think, "Man, I wouldn't want that to happen to me for real."

I like to speculate about what certain events could possibly be simulating. Archery and other shooting events are clearly representing some sort of deadly prowess, but what's with the watery hurdles in the steeplechase? It's like, "We don't want you to develop the same kind of rhythm you would in regular hurdles, we almost want you to forget there are hurdles at all until WHAP....SPLOOSH!" It makes me think of fleeing from a crime through a bunch of people's yards.

Seinfeld says it best.

Ridiculous Photoshop medley...

"Oooh, I want a $5 footlong!"

"I bit my tongue."

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Get a Room

If there is one gripe I have about our neighborhood it would probably be the loose attitude toward public displays of varmint affection. These teenage squirrels get all juiced up on hormones and all discretion goes straight out the window. I'll tell you right now that the video you're about to see may shock you. You may find this to be adorable or you may think it is absolutely horrible. You may span the entire spectrum of emotion several times in just one viewing. Whatever the case, you'll be changed forever...or you'll again wish you had your two minutes back.