No One Wins With a Headbutt

These profound words are from Paul Blart: Mall Cop, whose influence is evidently still strong in me after having freshly watched it. But that's not what this episode is about...although I'm not entirely sure it's not what it's about. Tonight we're gonna work through some stuff, we're just gonna put some stuff down, we're just gonna let it roll like a marshmallow moonwalk, we're not gonna get too critical...because I have been too critical lately, and I don't know why.

First of all, let's not confuse this with some sort of cry for help from the sad clown. It's not sadness, I'm just feeling a bit creatively inert. My guess is it stems from a lack of blog posting. That being said, let's jump right in shooting from the hip.

I recently noticed something in my favorite pizza place that I found hilarious and felt it was worth some attention. Amongst the others was a vending machine that offers...

Where does one begin? Sometimes things just roll into your lap with no Photoshop required. My first reaction is to reconsider everything I thought I knew about gold teeth and what kind of connotations they have in our society. Clearly it's become a status symbol, but how did that really even happen? My guess is that somewhere along the line the kids who were too cool to brush their teeth began to develop tooth decay, and ultimately were forced into corrective dentistry. After learning that their scabby teeth were going to be covered in gold for whatever reason, it became a way to say, "This is a unique proceedure that involves the use of a precious metal and as a result is very costly. That's how I roll." Does that mean we'll soon start to see pacemakers encrusted in jewels? "Check me out. I just had a $30,000 heart surgery."

Another thing to notice here is that not all of the pictured teeth have what I would consider to be "bling". The one is just a grotesque abnormality that looks more like deer antlers than teeth. Is that cool? Clearly my model for coolness needs updating, but bloody, puffy gums seem like a passing fad. Even the gums on the blingy ones look puffy, in which case you would think a person would not want to draw attention to their gingivitis. It reminds me of when I had braces growing up, and how I thought the clear ceramic ones would be "cooler" and less noticeable. As it turned out, the rubber bands would readily turn yellow, giving the appearance of translucent yellow balls of crud covering my teeth, drawing attention to my gingivitis. Talk about your all-time backfires. At least I only had braces for four years.

All this fun doesn't come without a price though, as Bling Teeth pose a choking hazard. Hard to imagine that a small irregularly shaped piece of plastic that you put in your mouth could be a choking hazard. I suppose I'll just have to put my trust in the good people at Bling Teeth. It reminds me of a Halloween makeup package I once saw that pictured a kid whose face was painted up like a witch or something with the words "no mess" at the bottom. That sort of assumes that you don't find the whole thing to be a mess.

Surprisingly, this vending machine is right next to the Bling Teeth, and there might even be a tattoo one next to that.

At any rate, you could easily transform yourself into a dirtbag with little more than pocket change. You could fool your friends, maybe even trade Bling Teeth. So much for curbing my criticism. Collect all 22!