Elite 8

Hey wait...don't leave. This isn't a post about the remaining teams in the NCAA basketball tournament so hear me out. It's about the eight remaining contestants on *drum roll* ...American Idol.

Now you can run away.

I tuned in about halfway through this season, but I'm starting to get emotionally invested nonetheless. Though it's probably a complete waste of time since each of you weep sweetly while worshiping your favorite idols, I'm gonna go ahead and give you a quick rundown of each contestant and how they stack up.

8. Slumdog Bazillionaire

Anoop is a lot like salsa in the regard that people love to say 'Noop-Dog. The only difference is that if salsa is America's favorite condiment, Anoop is more like easy cheese.

7. Grubby Timberlake

I think this guy can rock a little, but every time I see him I smell corn chips and beer. His talents are more suited for cartoon voice work...like if they were to redo Peanuts he could be a 45 year old Pigpen.

6. Great American Hero

"Bye bye now."

It's almost time to mash the panic button as viewers appear to be growing weary of this awkward balladeer. My suggestion would be to dig a pair of Gokey's once worn glasses out of the garbage and see if they still hold any magical power.

5. Big Rounds

"BWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"Little" needed a homerun on Motown week but basically had to settle for a sharp single though the infield. Definitely not terrible, but the Fantasia factor will soon wear off, much like everyone's fascination with her luscious lumps.

4. Lil' Miss Mamacita

16 years old or not, this turd can turn the dial to 11. Shortly after this picture was taken this happened.

3. Whatshisface

"Yowch! Sharp strings!"

This guy's pretty good, whatever. His giant mouth contributes to his ability to make powerful faces.


2. Gokey Smurf

"I fully ex-spec you to vote for me."

Fashion-sensitive, and just plain sensitive, Gokey's glasses are a plea to keep your eyes above the belt line. However, his overtly tender song selection may carve his name next to Clay Aiken as the nice guy runner up.


1. Emo Lambchop

"Hi, I'm Sonic the Hedgehog. Have we met?"

Say what you will about the risky arrangements and bold outfits, this drama queen knows how to continually put Paula Abdul into a state of cougar-like wonderment. His adroit performances and androgenous demeanor score points with all genders and ages.