Rockabye Sweet Baby Shea

It has already been a week since we were introduced to Shea Ann Bright, when we were stunned by her early appearance. Arriving over 3 weeks early, she has given us no reason to believe that she should've cooked longer, unless you count the fact that she has no eyelids. Just kidding, she has eyelids, and also a suprising amount of body hair, or lanugo. Rather than the black, coarse hair you might expect to find on a newborn, lanugo is a soft downy hair that is not to be shaved off, for it will only grow back thrice as thick four times as fast. You will be shaving it so much that you will be using up razor blades (jump to 8:24).

In addition to the fur, or rather before I even noticed the fur, there was a thick coating of what I like to call Shea Butter.

In fact, that's the nickname that I'm going to try to make stick for her...that or Shea Stadium. I should be a-Sheamed of myself. Anyway, rather than continue to ham it up, I will redirect the spotlight onto the star of the show. I give you...Shea Butter.

Too tender.

This Blog is a Hot Mess

...more to follow.

Maura at 2 Years

Looking pretty good. I took this picture right after she got home from volunteer firefighting.

And like any red-blooded firefighter 2yr old she wanted her birthday party to be held at a bowling alley. Her only complaint was that "you can't smoke anywhere nowadays".

She casts a satisfied gaze out the window of her new house and over her sprawling estate.

The past few days I've been able to soak up some one on one quality time with this little chicken strip, and aside from the overexposure to Elmos and Doras and what have you, it's been nice to be dad all day. Although a rather large portion of kid's programming is painful to watch (Special Agent Oso I'm looking in your direction), there is one little funky jam I can tolerate...okay fine, I crank the volume and dance my head off everytime it comes on.





I don't care who you are, that is a jam.

Just a Hot Mess

Why do you need 150 cable channels? So you can happen upon a show that features the dissection of a giraffe, decide that it's not as cool as you thought it was gonna be, flip over to Ice Road Truckers for 4 minutes, then turn it to some farm channel that's blasting a commercial for Big Joe's Polka Jamz and strike gold.



Check out the old timer at 2:15 that doesn't feel like clappin' along.

Curling, Shuffleboard, Horseshoes, Hand Grenades

The Winter Olympics always seems to renew interest in sports that don't normally get a lot of attention. Curling is one of these sports. Let me first say that I think curling is very interesting, and I think it looks like a lot of fun. Having said that, I think what I'm drawn to is the mystery surrounding its exhaustive glossary of jargon that describes sliding a rock on ice...basically shuffleboard. Do people get all lathered up about shuffleboard? Is shuffleboard an Olympic event? Maybe it could've been had it included one more incongruous element...like sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. At any rate, curling wins with its wacky lexicon, and it's possible that I would enjoy barking out terms like kizzle kazzle and hog line more than the actual game play itself.

I could go into the strategy and terms at greater depth, but I'm just reading it on Wikipedia, so I'll save myself the trouble and just focus on some of the better curling images I've found.

On Tenterhooks

Hell's Nursery

Maura of course has an extensive library of books geared for the young reader. Among these is a book which she received this Christmas that is a collection of classic nursery rhymes. Harmless as they are, there are a few that contain some shockingly violent themes. So hop up on papa's lap and I'll share a few of the more entertaining ones with you, and by doing so, this post could maybe be used in the future as some kind of manual for why Maura's life took such a drastic downturn.

The Queen of Hearts

The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts,
All on a summer's day.
The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts,
And took them clean away.
The King of Hearts called for the tarts,
And beat the Knave full sore.
The Knave of Hearts brought back the tarts,
And vowed he's steal no more.

Why don't we beat people anymore?

Rock-a-bye Baby

Rock-a-bye baby, on the tree top.
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
Down will come baby, cradle and all.

Now that we understand what will happen can we maybe not put a baby in a tree?

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.

Just a tragic story. I can't say it enough. If you're not careful on hills you will fall and fracture your skull.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses and all the King's men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

Translation:
A big fat guy fell to his death and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it.

There Was an Old Woman

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

There are so many things wrong with this. You live in a shoe, fine. But what's the story with all the kids? I understand you can't afford to feed them all, but that doesn't mean they deserve to be whipped...with a whip.

Goosey Goosey Gander

Goosey Goosey Gander, whither shall I wander?
Upstairs and downstairs and in my lady's chamber.
There I met an old man who would not say his prayers,
I took him by the left leg and threw him down the stairs.

This was the last one in the book, so I guess we can all agree that the best was saved for last. What's going on here? Who is this guy who talks to geese? All I know is you better say your prayers or your ass is getting thrown down the stairs.

I will now take a crack at combining all of these into the most horrific nursery rhyme ever written.

Jack and Jill climbed up a cliff
To hang a baby cradle.
A guy came along and grabbed them by the legs,
And threw them off the edge.
All the horses in the area
Couldn't save their lives.
Everyone was beaten and whipped,
And sent to bed with no supper.